For Aron: College Admissions

Aron asked: My sister is applying to college next school year, what can I do to help her?

Well, it depends on what she's done.

First, I'd think about what you did when you were getting ready for college. Does she have all her testing, SATs and ACTs? They can make a big difference. I know both of those tests were key to getting my scholarships and entree into good schools.

Secondly, she should do her research. What is she interested in pursuing? What features is she looking for in a good school. Knowing what schools she interested in can help her focus on what she needs to do to prepare.

Aside from that, well, I don't know. That's all I did, but I was going to a local school. Here's some more advice here.

As for your part in it all, be as supportive as you can, especially if the whole process makes her a little nuts.

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For Aron: Real World Panic

Aron said: ZOMG! I'm going to go into the real world, with responsibilities and other adult stuff *starts sucking thumb and rolling around in the fetal position* Tips, please?

[I had to redo this. For reasons unknown, the first post got lost.]

Yes, Aron, I do.

Tip #1: Don't panic. You're a thinker. You understand the importance of responsibility. Your priorities are straight. You know how much work it's going to be. Believe me when I tell you that you are ahead of most of the people your age, in fact many people much older. What you face is unlikely to be as devastating as your fear of it. Let it go and you will be better off.

Tip #2: Have a plan. Don't let worries and responsibilities overwhelm you. Address them rather than letting them pile up. As each new challenge comes, look at it as a puzzle to be solved and evaluate your options. If you take them face on, determine a path to address them, you'll find they weren't as frightening as you had envisioned.

Tip #3: All work and no play is not healthy. It is, in fact, a recipe for burnout. Find something, some activity, that allows you to destress, that relaxes and revitalizes you. It could be a video game or a favorite book or a physical activity or cleaning your home. Whatever it is, don't neglect taking time to do so. If you take no time for yourself, your life loses it's balance and you can become lost.

Tip #4: Laugh whenever you can. The world will never have too much laughter.

Tip #5: Having a laser kitty would be cool beans.

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

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For Davida: Writing a Novel

Davida asked: How long did it take you to write each of your books? What was your inspiration? Did you follow a particular format (like writing an outline or making sure each chapter was perfect before moving on to the next or some other method)? How many queries (I think that's right) did you send out and what happened? What would you do differently, as far as getting one published, the next time?

This is a nontrivial question and it deserves a nontrivial answer. But first, some caveats. First, although I've published three short stories and some technical papers, I am not a published novelist. I can point you to some directions for publishing advice, but I wouldn't put much stock in mine because, hey, it hasn't worked yet. I also am not qualified to answer that last question, but maybe someone who is published can chime in.

Secondly, I truly believe there is not one right answer, one right method, one perfect tool for writing a novel. Some people live and die by the outline. Others do it in fits and spurts. Others sit down and write a minimum number of pages whether they feel like it or not. Some write through and then revise. Others constantly revise and tweak as they write it. I'll be happy to tell you what I do, but don't throw out a method that's working for you because I do something differently. In fact, you might have to try a dozen or so different things before you find out what works and what doesn't.

However, there are some rules I think apply to darn near every writer (this is to write good stuff, not necessarily to get published - though it sure would be nice if those two synced up, eh?)

1. Write stuff you like to read. Many say write what you know - that's fine if it's what you like to read, but not if it's not. You will never be happy as a writer unless at least you like your own stuff.
2. Read stuff of the type you want to write. Mix it up, try a few more authors. Find what works for you (and no adopting a style that makes you uncomfortable just because a popular writer adopts it - you have to like it).
3. Read your stuff out loud (preferably with an audience that is willing to tell you if something sounds wrong). Not only can you catch more typos and grammatical errors this way than you ever though possible, you can find sentences and dialog that sounds awkward. And, if it sounds bad, it can almost undoubtedly be written better. I do this multiple times. Always.
4. Get someone to read it when you have a working draft and after each revision. Get someone willing to tell you what they really think. If they do nothing but gush (or just say, "not my style"), you need a different reader. No first draft is perfect.
5. When your reader has taken the time to read your novel, give them the courtesy of taking each suggestion and comment seriously. That doesn't mean you have to agree with it or change it, but think about it. Perhaps they are the only person on earth who would see it that way, but they might not be. If you can address their suggestion without changing your book essentially (or compromising your vision or your voice), consider doing so. Come up with a compelling reason for every comment you decide not to implement and if, at the end of the day, you've implemented none of them, either your reader was just not right or you need to reconsider (and I'd check you first). :)
6. When you think you've finished a draft or a revision, while others are reading it or not, let it lie for at least two weeks, preferably a month or two. If you jump right back into it when you've just finished it, it will either be perfect to you or it will be crap. You need a little distance to look at it objectively. NEVER send off a novel or a book the day after you finished a major rework. Wait, read it again and clean up small stuff, but, if you find you need major rework, you'll need another cooling off period.
   

Those are all recommendations I'd given any writer and that I follow myself.

Now, to actually answer your questions.

I have completed three novels, all while working full time. Cumulatively, they have taken me 20 years. However, the first one is in serious need of a major rework. One is only on the second draft and one has gone through several major revisions and is, I think, "done". The "done" one, with all the reworking, took me twelve years. The first one, I worked on for about six years, off and on. This last one, complete with its first draft, less than two years. During the first two books, I took off multiple years several times. Life happens.

Note also that I work on eight or so novels at one time. While I have three completed drafts, I have 5-15 chapters completed in at least five other novels. I grow stale on one, I'm quite likely to switch to something new (or, heaven help me, a new novel).

Note however, that the first novel, in serious need of a rewrite, taught me a great deal about character development and dialog. The second helped me with plot and world-building. And, with each one, the first draft improved immeasurably from the first draft of the book before. I'm actually quite pleased with my newest novel despite it being in first draft form. That one, by the way, I wrote the first half (~50,000) in one week. I was inspired. I wrote like five more chapters than Vista ATE the whole thing (OFF the hard drive; I'd backed it up) and I had to reconstruct it. It was so disheartening, I didn't touch it for a year (oh, and I had a baby and revised the other "done" novel and started another one and got 12 chapters in).

I write in spurts and don't write every day; for me, writing stale makes my work so bad I get disgusted and put it away, sometimes indefinitely. I don't use an outline, but think up characters in detail, then put them in situations that interest me than generally stand back. I sometimes make character cheatsheets, but usually to make sure I don't mess things up and change eye color or something. I often have ensemble casts so it's easier than you think to get mixed up. You will not be surprised to note that plot is still not my strong suit.

I tend to write along gangbusters until some plot twist comes along I didn't see (or I find a useful change) and then I'll stop moving forward and rework what I've already done to make it work. Many prefer many revisions, but only doing it as a whole. I really do both. I'm too anal to leave something I know is broken behind.

As for queries, there are many websites devoted to that kind of thing and it depends on whether you want to troll for an agent first or try your hand at publishers. There are advantages and disadvantages to both, but I think most publishers would tell you that, if you can get an agent, do so. Kinda like having a lawyer when going to court.

I hope that helped you. Remember, there are dozens of different ways and speeds to write. There are very successful authors that generate half a dozen books a year or more. Others take years for each. Pick your own speed.

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For Shakespeare: Parenting Guidelines Part 3

Shakespeare asked: How do many parents go wrong in making their children responsible adults (even from a young age), and what specific things can I do as a parent to help my two kids learn to make that transition to adulthood (trust their own opinions, make their own decisions, think of others, admit when they are wrong, learn the value of money, etc.)?

So, Shakespeare came on board, concerned that her failings as a parent, which we all have, would lead to issues for her children that would haunt her children and herself, that she would be blamed for by both her children and herself.

So, here's lesson number 3.

In the end, your children will choose their own paths.

Oh, sure, you're part of it. You've set the example, for better or worse, and you've done your best to provide discipline. But just as your methods had to adapt to every child, what and how they learned from your example and your teaching will depend on who they are and who they want to be. You will not be able to stop them from becoming a creep if that's the path they choose. You will not be able to destroy their character if they insist on being a moral creature.

Even before they reach adulthood, there are things you will not be able to do. You will not be able to eradicate character traits inherent to their personalities. You can try to help them leaven them or work around them, but you can't expect to change them fundamentally from who they are.

You will not be able to protect them from disease or flaw, be able to give them gifts they don't have, be able to choose their gifts for them. You can train your daughter to be the Olympic ice skater you always wanted to be, but, unless the drive and love for it is in them, they will never be great - or happy. You can help children compensate for dyslexia or autism or scholastical-type challenges, but you can't make them smart or quick.

You cannot save them from all harm, all risk. And, although I'm an advocate for safety, you should be cautious about how hard you try. A little dirt, a couple of tumbles will do your kids good. No one can guarantee their child will never be in a car accident or won't get cancer, or won't get hurt. You can take steps to minimize the chances that you'd be responsible, to avoid foreseeable harms, but the risk will always remain.

And you will make mistakes. Bunches of them. Children don't come with manuals and no one, even with the best intentions in the world, goes through life without making poor judgment calls. And children often pay the price for those. It isn't fair, but it is life. You will do yourself a favor learning from those mistakes (and acknowledging them to your children is likely to be beneficial as well), but don't expect to go through life without them.

But, even if you DID everything perfectly, it would not guarantee that your child would grow up to be a good person. Even if you made tons of mistakes, mistreated your child (either from maliciousness, selfishness or ignorance), and set a bad example, there's always a possibility that your children will learn from your mistakes and be a better person than anyone ever expected. Odds are, doing your best will have the best results, but, in the end, we're all responsible for the people we choose to become.

That goes for you.

That goes for your children.

So, enjoy them, love them, do your best. Believe in them. No one can really expect more than that.

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For Shakespeare: Parenting Guidelines Part 2

Shakespeare asked: How do many parents go wrong in making their children responsible adults (even from a young age), and what specific things can I do as a parent to help my two kids learn to make that transition to adulthood (trust their own opinions, make their own decisions, think of others, admit when they are wrong, learn the value of money, etc.)?

Let me remind you all that I'm not omniscient. Let me add that I'm big on not advocating "the" answers since I don't think there are primers that work for all children, all situations.

However, there are guidelines I try to follow myself because I believe that they will help me raise my children most effectively with the goal to make them the best adults they can be (not make it easier on myself or control them, by the way). But I could not put them in a single post so I'll put them up in pieces. Here's another suggestion, something I try to do myself.

Obedience and responsibility are not interchangeable.

This is a hard one, partially because how you handle a child is as individual as the child herself. I'm not saying you aren't in charge or shouldn't be. Children need limits, need restrictions and need discipline. Judgment isn't the strong suit of the average child and usually this is true far longer than the child has any notion of. It takes judgment, you know, to figure out you have some. Rules are important and you do yourself a favor by being consistent, doing what you say, following through with the consequences when they misbehave, even though that's sometimes challenging. If your kid can walk all over you, you haven't done your part to help them toward adulthood because, in the real world, it's rarely so easy.

But making them easily controlled doesn't exactly make them prime examples of adulthood, either. Children are living, thinking beings, with individual personalities, with preferences and imagination and opinions of their own. Crushing those or manipulating them so they always do things your way, through fear, through guilt, through discipline - you lose something and so do they. Keeping control of your children shouldn't equate with taking all of their control away.

Now, raising children safely with limits and discipline but without crushing spirits or individuality is tough and, often, a thankless task. And the path to doing so is often different for each child. In my eldest daughter's case, it means explaining each and every restriction I give her. This is irksome and tiresome and frustrating. However, if I can get her to understand why I want her to do something a certain way, I don't have to worry about her sneaking off and doing it behind my back. She understands and can (and will) police herself - and be disgusted when her friends fail to be as practical.

It's a lot of work for me that way (and, when my reasoning is not sound, I'm often in a position to back off on a stance I want to take - which is not only frustrating but embarrassing), but, by showing her my reasoning and helping her understand it, I encourage her to use her own reasoning when confronted by things I haven't foreseen. Being able to use her own brain is a heck of a boon in an adult or a teenager and my challenges are a small price to pay if that's where the effort leads us. The jury's still out, there, but it looks promising. Mostly.

With my son, five, who is somewhat autistic, reasoning is a complete waste of time. Instead, I have to manage to find a way to convince him what I want is in his best interest, which makes reasoning with my daughter look childishly simple relatively.

Two last bits I want to add on this. Don't think you can (or should) keep them from learning everything the hard way. Truth is, if children don't ever learn anything the hard way, they never appreciate the fact that sometimes you actually know what you're talking about. And their ain't any lessons more effective than experience. Chances are, although there are some lessons you'd give your soul to keep them from learning the hard way, there will be some they just won't learn any other way. Think back; I bet that was true for you, too. Accepting this, no matter how hard, might be a good plan.

Last bit here, and this is a personal vow for me. I personally never use affection as a reward or withhold it as a punishment. Privileges and, yes, punishments, I'll dole out according to the circumstances, but my son has never been so bad he can't get a hug and my daughter has never been so irksome that I tell her I don't love her any more, even when the temptation is strong. I truly believe that love is unconditional and I make sure they know mine doesn't have a price tag.

Just what I think.

Not sure if I have more to say on this subject. I'll think about it and let you all know tomorrow if any other wisdom comes to mind.

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For Shakespeare: Parenting Guidelines Part 1

Shakespeare asked: How do many parents go wrong in making their children responsible adults (even from a young age), and what specific things can I do as a parent to help my two kids learn to make that transition to adulthood (trust their own opinions, make their own decisions, think of others, admit when they are wrong, learn the value of money, etc.)?

Wow! Tough question. Let me remind you all that I'm not omniscient. Let me add that I'm big on not advocating "the" answers since I don't think there are primers that work for all children, all situations.

However, there are guidelines I try to follow myself because I believe that they will help me raise my children most effectively with the goal to make them the best adults they can be (not make it easier on myself or control them, by the way). But I could not put them in a single post so I'll put them up in pieces.

First and foremost: Be the sort of adult you want your children to become
Of course, this seems obvious and it is but it's not as easy as it seems. It means more than telling them what to do, it means living in a way that is true to your words.

What does that mean? That means that the rules apply to you. That means that you pick up after yourself (and I mean both parents, not one picking up after the other). That means you handle drugs and vices in a manner that you would like to see them follow. If you think smoking is a bad habit you don't want them to take up - stop smoking. Don't drink and drive. Use your seatbelt. Follow the laws. That means you play fair and treat people with respect. That means you admit when you've made a mistake, apologize, make amends. That means you are polite, use please and thank you. If that's what you want your children to be.

That means you refrain from saying unkind things to them, about them about others, even when you're angry. That means you speak of others in a respectful and considerate way, rather than demeaning or belittling groups or individuals, not just when you know your children are listening, but all the time. That means you make an effort to be consistent, be fair, be understanding with your children, with others, with yourself.

That means you listen to your children. They are, after all, people and individuals. You can't understand where they're coming from if you don't listen to what they have to say. And, they will not listen to you either. Nor will they listen to others. You can't tell your children to be sensitive to the needs of others; you'll have to show them or the lesson will be meaningless.

But it also means taking the time for yourself, treating yourself with respect. If you stay with an abusive partner, they will take the wrong lesson. If you ignore your own wants, refrain from pursuing your own dreams, let fears and responsibilities keep you from meeting your own needs, they can learn the same. If you want more for your children, want more for their future, you're going to have to show them that following your dreams is worth the effort, that everyone deserves the chance to pursue them. Even you.

Being a good parent is more than hoping for more for your children. It's living it.

At least, that's what I think.

To be continued...

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Ask Me .... Uh.... Almost Anything - the Canadian Edition

I am a bad substitute blogger. I did fully intend to write this post earlier.... just as soon as I finished the last of my essays ...

but then I had dinner ...

and no sooner had a finished eating than the left side of my face blew up.

I somehow developed a HUGE uncomfortable swelling that has taken over pretty much the whole side of my jaw. So instead of being a good substitute blogger - and celebrating the completion of my essays, I got to spend the several hours in our local emergency room. ~Fun~ times!

Anyway, I'm fine, if a ~leetle~ stoned on painkillers .... and while Steph is away I shall do my best to cover this blog for her.

So if you have any questions .... about whatever, but keep in mind that I am most assuredly NOT a rocket scientist... I will do my best.

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Ask Me Anything

So, there was apparently interest in a blog where I did the “Ask the…” thing full time. Most of you who will find your way here, at least in the beginning, will actually know me from my other blog: Rocket Scientist. I struggled with how to do this. See, without a specific “me” to ask questions to (or even if I switched hats daily), I wasn’t sure what I would actually write in the blogs. After a while, I’d just be going through the motions: “Alright, I’m ready for questions, let me have ‘em.” I didn’t want to do that.

What I would like to do is make my blogs all about what I’m asked, answering questions, writing up responses, providing feedback in a “Dear Abby” but cheaper and more diverse kinda way. The question is, of course, how to get questions. Ideally, you would go somewhere and ask questions and I’d write up responses, either several quick answers to short questions in one post or a more in depth answer to a complex question in another.

No matter how I slice it, though, this blog and it’s success really depends on you and the questions you ask me. I can’t do this (and make it successful) if you aren’t helping me by asking me the tough questions or soliciting support. So, let me have it. Ask me anything.

After all, it is what I’m here for.

We can try posting questions in the blogs as they come and I’ll also make a permanent page with this same text. If they become unwieldy in the posts, we can just use the page. I’m also open to your input on your preferences.

One note on tarot readings: I need a question, and it works best if it’s not a yes or no question.

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