For Aron: Stitch In Time Mentality

Aron asked: Why on earth who BP, would anyone choose to not implement a safety feature if it is reasonable to put it in?

Ah, Aron, why indeed. Except people do. Time after time after time after time. BP did so egregiously, obviously, and it serves as an example. But there are untold numbers of examples daily. Ground tests are skipped for new designs ("passed by similarity"), flight tests are cut, second and third tier equipment is purchased for critical functions because we can't wait or because they're too expensive. We have little beeps in our cars to let us know we've left the keys in or the lights on, but we don't have anything to tell us we've left a child in the backseat (though it would be child's play to do) - as if a dead battery outranks a dead child.

Why do we do this?

Well, there are a number of reasons.

(a) Money now vs. risk later. This year's budget is tight and we gamble that the piper will never have to be paid. Statistically speaking, there are few catastrophic failures so you gamble this won't be one of them, even the steps to prevent it are inexpensive and simple. That drop of prevention, while nothing compared to the profits BP (and the others involved) make, is one more item on the bottom line that someone, somewhere is willing to forgo because they think the risk is minimal. Note that "minimal risk" is usually focused on "likelihood" - what are the chances something bad will happen, rather than the extents of the horror, the realistic understanding of what could happen if you have catastrophic failure. There are some good things about probabilistic risk assessment (quantitative estimates of risk) - it's great for discovering what risks require mitigation - but too often it becomes a justification for doing nothing even if the fix for a problem is readily available and/or inexpensive.

(b) Doing the bare minimum. This is why self-regulation has a horrible track record (see recent financial fiascos). Too often people believe that all they are responsible for is to do the barest minimum of the requirements, no more. Even if doing the right thing is only an inconsequent amount more effort, that's not in their contract. If no one requires it, they won't do it. This is especially true if no one's looking. Instead, they'll try to do as little as possible (sometimes not even doing the minimum) and fight against standards and regulations that require things to be done properly, because what they save is money in their pockets unless something bad happens.

(c) Somebody else's problem. Passing the buck. No one has responsibility for the whole thing. The people paying for set up or safety equipment, they're not the ones who are going to do clean up or damage control. Most people are focused on their own bottom line, get done the bare minimum to past muster and pass it on, hoping it fails on someone else's watch. People juggling a test and verification budget might not be the people responsible for the flight or the implementation.

(d) It can't happen to me syndrome. Same things that keep people from buying "baby in the car seat" alarms. We're too diligent, too experienced, too expert to fail. We're using "proven hardware" or are so expert, we give ourselves credit we haven't demonstrated in testing and forgo safeguards or oversight designed to catch unexpected failures. Failures that fail to manifest (even though they can change the world as this one appears to be doing) quickly are seen as "noncredible" or "impossible". Frequently, safety precautions (inspections, tests, fail-safe equipment, etc) that were once deemed required are soon seen as a needless luxury, so much unnecessary flotsom that can be disposed of without a qualm.

(e) Someone else will pick up the tab if the worst happens. This does happen. There are actually caps oil companies have on what they'll pay for this kind of disaster (though it seems BP is going to ignore it and keep paying) and insurance and government intervention, yadda yadda yadda. What it really is is an excuse to sidestep the responsibility. And it ignores the public relations impact on your company, your business, your government endeavor. I've pointed out to NASA that failure means more than the billions lost on equipment and personnel - the PR impact is incalculable. I have to say that the personnel should be enough, but I'm like that.

So, what does all that mean? Not a damn thing. No excuses are enough. Not for BP, not for NASA, not for the financial hotshots, not for any of the other organizations when they have the capacity to do things right and choose not to. When the results are unacceptable, no failure should be tolerated. If you can do something to prevent it, even if it's overkill, you should. If you have a solution for a problem, a risk that can be eliminated, you should make it so.

For want of a nail. . . I can't begin to estimate the costs, the heartbreak, the embarrassment that's gone on through the ages with people who could readily have prevented tragedy, only to fail spectacularly because they didn't do the best they could.

It shouldn't be acceptable.

In my opinion.

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For Aron: Real World Panic

Aron said: ZOMG! I'm going to go into the real world, with responsibilities and other adult stuff *starts sucking thumb and rolling around in the fetal position* Tips, please?

[I had to redo this. For reasons unknown, the first post got lost.]

Yes, Aron, I do.

Tip #1: Don't panic. You're a thinker. You understand the importance of responsibility. Your priorities are straight. You know how much work it's going to be. Believe me when I tell you that you are ahead of most of the people your age, in fact many people much older. What you face is unlikely to be as devastating as your fear of it. Let it go and you will be better off.

Tip #2: Have a plan. Don't let worries and responsibilities overwhelm you. Address them rather than letting them pile up. As each new challenge comes, look at it as a puzzle to be solved and evaluate your options. If you take them face on, determine a path to address them, you'll find they weren't as frightening as you had envisioned.

Tip #3: All work and no play is not healthy. It is, in fact, a recipe for burnout. Find something, some activity, that allows you to destress, that relaxes and revitalizes you. It could be a video game or a favorite book or a physical activity or cleaning your home. Whatever it is, don't neglect taking time to do so. If you take no time for yourself, your life loses it's balance and you can become lost.

Tip #4: Laugh whenever you can. The world will never have too much laughter.

Tip #5: Having a laser kitty would be cool beans.

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

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For Shakespeare: Parenting Guidelines Part 3

Shakespeare asked: How do many parents go wrong in making their children responsible adults (even from a young age), and what specific things can I do as a parent to help my two kids learn to make that transition to adulthood (trust their own opinions, make their own decisions, think of others, admit when they are wrong, learn the value of money, etc.)?

So, Shakespeare came on board, concerned that her failings as a parent, which we all have, would lead to issues for her children that would haunt her children and herself, that she would be blamed for by both her children and herself.

So, here's lesson number 3.

In the end, your children will choose their own paths.

Oh, sure, you're part of it. You've set the example, for better or worse, and you've done your best to provide discipline. But just as your methods had to adapt to every child, what and how they learned from your example and your teaching will depend on who they are and who they want to be. You will not be able to stop them from becoming a creep if that's the path they choose. You will not be able to destroy their character if they insist on being a moral creature.

Even before they reach adulthood, there are things you will not be able to do. You will not be able to eradicate character traits inherent to their personalities. You can try to help them leaven them or work around them, but you can't expect to change them fundamentally from who they are.

You will not be able to protect them from disease or flaw, be able to give them gifts they don't have, be able to choose their gifts for them. You can train your daughter to be the Olympic ice skater you always wanted to be, but, unless the drive and love for it is in them, they will never be great - or happy. You can help children compensate for dyslexia or autism or scholastical-type challenges, but you can't make them smart or quick.

You cannot save them from all harm, all risk. And, although I'm an advocate for safety, you should be cautious about how hard you try. A little dirt, a couple of tumbles will do your kids good. No one can guarantee their child will never be in a car accident or won't get cancer, or won't get hurt. You can take steps to minimize the chances that you'd be responsible, to avoid foreseeable harms, but the risk will always remain.

And you will make mistakes. Bunches of them. Children don't come with manuals and no one, even with the best intentions in the world, goes through life without making poor judgment calls. And children often pay the price for those. It isn't fair, but it is life. You will do yourself a favor learning from those mistakes (and acknowledging them to your children is likely to be beneficial as well), but don't expect to go through life without them.

But, even if you DID everything perfectly, it would not guarantee that your child would grow up to be a good person. Even if you made tons of mistakes, mistreated your child (either from maliciousness, selfishness or ignorance), and set a bad example, there's always a possibility that your children will learn from your mistakes and be a better person than anyone ever expected. Odds are, doing your best will have the best results, but, in the end, we're all responsible for the people we choose to become.

That goes for you.

That goes for your children.

So, enjoy them, love them, do your best. Believe in them. No one can really expect more than that.

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For Shakespeare: Parenting Guidelines Part 2

Shakespeare asked: How do many parents go wrong in making their children responsible adults (even from a young age), and what specific things can I do as a parent to help my two kids learn to make that transition to adulthood (trust their own opinions, make their own decisions, think of others, admit when they are wrong, learn the value of money, etc.)?

Let me remind you all that I'm not omniscient. Let me add that I'm big on not advocating "the" answers since I don't think there are primers that work for all children, all situations.

However, there are guidelines I try to follow myself because I believe that they will help me raise my children most effectively with the goal to make them the best adults they can be (not make it easier on myself or control them, by the way). But I could not put them in a single post so I'll put them up in pieces. Here's another suggestion, something I try to do myself.

Obedience and responsibility are not interchangeable.

This is a hard one, partially because how you handle a child is as individual as the child herself. I'm not saying you aren't in charge or shouldn't be. Children need limits, need restrictions and need discipline. Judgment isn't the strong suit of the average child and usually this is true far longer than the child has any notion of. It takes judgment, you know, to figure out you have some. Rules are important and you do yourself a favor by being consistent, doing what you say, following through with the consequences when they misbehave, even though that's sometimes challenging. If your kid can walk all over you, you haven't done your part to help them toward adulthood because, in the real world, it's rarely so easy.

But making them easily controlled doesn't exactly make them prime examples of adulthood, either. Children are living, thinking beings, with individual personalities, with preferences and imagination and opinions of their own. Crushing those or manipulating them so they always do things your way, through fear, through guilt, through discipline - you lose something and so do they. Keeping control of your children shouldn't equate with taking all of their control away.

Now, raising children safely with limits and discipline but without crushing spirits or individuality is tough and, often, a thankless task. And the path to doing so is often different for each child. In my eldest daughter's case, it means explaining each and every restriction I give her. This is irksome and tiresome and frustrating. However, if I can get her to understand why I want her to do something a certain way, I don't have to worry about her sneaking off and doing it behind my back. She understands and can (and will) police herself - and be disgusted when her friends fail to be as practical.

It's a lot of work for me that way (and, when my reasoning is not sound, I'm often in a position to back off on a stance I want to take - which is not only frustrating but embarrassing), but, by showing her my reasoning and helping her understand it, I encourage her to use her own reasoning when confronted by things I haven't foreseen. Being able to use her own brain is a heck of a boon in an adult or a teenager and my challenges are a small price to pay if that's where the effort leads us. The jury's still out, there, but it looks promising. Mostly.

With my son, five, who is somewhat autistic, reasoning is a complete waste of time. Instead, I have to manage to find a way to convince him what I want is in his best interest, which makes reasoning with my daughter look childishly simple relatively.

Two last bits I want to add on this. Don't think you can (or should) keep them from learning everything the hard way. Truth is, if children don't ever learn anything the hard way, they never appreciate the fact that sometimes you actually know what you're talking about. And their ain't any lessons more effective than experience. Chances are, although there are some lessons you'd give your soul to keep them from learning the hard way, there will be some they just won't learn any other way. Think back; I bet that was true for you, too. Accepting this, no matter how hard, might be a good plan.

Last bit here, and this is a personal vow for me. I personally never use affection as a reward or withhold it as a punishment. Privileges and, yes, punishments, I'll dole out according to the circumstances, but my son has never been so bad he can't get a hug and my daughter has never been so irksome that I tell her I don't love her any more, even when the temptation is strong. I truly believe that love is unconditional and I make sure they know mine doesn't have a price tag.

Just what I think.

Not sure if I have more to say on this subject. I'll think about it and let you all know tomorrow if any other wisdom comes to mind.

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For Shakespeare: Parenting Guidelines Part 1

Shakespeare asked: How do many parents go wrong in making their children responsible adults (even from a young age), and what specific things can I do as a parent to help my two kids learn to make that transition to adulthood (trust their own opinions, make their own decisions, think of others, admit when they are wrong, learn the value of money, etc.)?

Wow! Tough question. Let me remind you all that I'm not omniscient. Let me add that I'm big on not advocating "the" answers since I don't think there are primers that work for all children, all situations.

However, there are guidelines I try to follow myself because I believe that they will help me raise my children most effectively with the goal to make them the best adults they can be (not make it easier on myself or control them, by the way). But I could not put them in a single post so I'll put them up in pieces.

First and foremost: Be the sort of adult you want your children to become
Of course, this seems obvious and it is but it's not as easy as it seems. It means more than telling them what to do, it means living in a way that is true to your words.

What does that mean? That means that the rules apply to you. That means that you pick up after yourself (and I mean both parents, not one picking up after the other). That means you handle drugs and vices in a manner that you would like to see them follow. If you think smoking is a bad habit you don't want them to take up - stop smoking. Don't drink and drive. Use your seatbelt. Follow the laws. That means you play fair and treat people with respect. That means you admit when you've made a mistake, apologize, make amends. That means you are polite, use please and thank you. If that's what you want your children to be.

That means you refrain from saying unkind things to them, about them about others, even when you're angry. That means you speak of others in a respectful and considerate way, rather than demeaning or belittling groups or individuals, not just when you know your children are listening, but all the time. That means you make an effort to be consistent, be fair, be understanding with your children, with others, with yourself.

That means you listen to your children. They are, after all, people and individuals. You can't understand where they're coming from if you don't listen to what they have to say. And, they will not listen to you either. Nor will they listen to others. You can't tell your children to be sensitive to the needs of others; you'll have to show them or the lesson will be meaningless.

But it also means taking the time for yourself, treating yourself with respect. If you stay with an abusive partner, they will take the wrong lesson. If you ignore your own wants, refrain from pursuing your own dreams, let fears and responsibilities keep you from meeting your own needs, they can learn the same. If you want more for your children, want more for their future, you're going to have to show them that following your dreams is worth the effort, that everyone deserves the chance to pursue them. Even you.

Being a good parent is more than hoping for more for your children. It's living it.

At least, that's what I think.

To be continued...

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