Aron Sora: Parents Sending Kids to School

Aron Sora asked: I'm going to college soon, what are my parents going through? What are they feeling right now?

I would like to preface my response here with a reminder that I am not omniscient. If I'd given the impression that I knew everything in the past, let me correct that right here and now. I don't.

With that said, short answer: I don't know.

I could speculate a hundred different possibilities, many contradictory (that might even both be true) and still miss the mix of emotions your parents are going through. For example, I expect they're very proud, trepiditious about your success probably more for your own sake than anything else, relieved you have a path, sad that you're going, pleased to have some time to themselves, the list is endless. Depending on your parents, your number of siblings, the circumstance involved with your going to college, the mix of emotions changes and, even if I knew, the state is unlikely to be static.

Here's an idea. Ask them.

They may be reluctant to tell you, preferring to focus on you and your plans, your state of mind. Or they might be all too ready to tell you. But, take the time to find out. Good or bad, weak or strong, with errors or flawlessly, these people were pivotal in helping you become what you are becoming, teaching you values via example you won't even realize you learned for years to come.

People are flawed, even those we idealize, but most parents have tried their best to do the right thing. There are few professions that involve more selflessness or more dedication. More love. It's imperfect and there are no procedures or methodologies that provide a blueprint. It's the most frustrating, wonderful, frightening, time consuming, rewarding, thankless job of all time.

Take the time to ask them. You may not know it, but the fact that it matters to you what they're going through is almost certainly an indication that they did a hell of a job.

Just sayin'.

(P.S. Yes, that's me with my son Alex when he was an infant.)

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For Shakespeare: Parenting Guidelines Part 3

Shakespeare asked: How do many parents go wrong in making their children responsible adults (even from a young age), and what specific things can I do as a parent to help my two kids learn to make that transition to adulthood (trust their own opinions, make their own decisions, think of others, admit when they are wrong, learn the value of money, etc.)?

So, Shakespeare came on board, concerned that her failings as a parent, which we all have, would lead to issues for her children that would haunt her children and herself, that she would be blamed for by both her children and herself.

So, here's lesson number 3.

In the end, your children will choose their own paths.

Oh, sure, you're part of it. You've set the example, for better or worse, and you've done your best to provide discipline. But just as your methods had to adapt to every child, what and how they learned from your example and your teaching will depend on who they are and who they want to be. You will not be able to stop them from becoming a creep if that's the path they choose. You will not be able to destroy their character if they insist on being a moral creature.

Even before they reach adulthood, there are things you will not be able to do. You will not be able to eradicate character traits inherent to their personalities. You can try to help them leaven them or work around them, but you can't expect to change them fundamentally from who they are.

You will not be able to protect them from disease or flaw, be able to give them gifts they don't have, be able to choose their gifts for them. You can train your daughter to be the Olympic ice skater you always wanted to be, but, unless the drive and love for it is in them, they will never be great - or happy. You can help children compensate for dyslexia or autism or scholastical-type challenges, but you can't make them smart or quick.

You cannot save them from all harm, all risk. And, although I'm an advocate for safety, you should be cautious about how hard you try. A little dirt, a couple of tumbles will do your kids good. No one can guarantee their child will never be in a car accident or won't get cancer, or won't get hurt. You can take steps to minimize the chances that you'd be responsible, to avoid foreseeable harms, but the risk will always remain.

And you will make mistakes. Bunches of them. Children don't come with manuals and no one, even with the best intentions in the world, goes through life without making poor judgment calls. And children often pay the price for those. It isn't fair, but it is life. You will do yourself a favor learning from those mistakes (and acknowledging them to your children is likely to be beneficial as well), but don't expect to go through life without them.

But, even if you DID everything perfectly, it would not guarantee that your child would grow up to be a good person. Even if you made tons of mistakes, mistreated your child (either from maliciousness, selfishness or ignorance), and set a bad example, there's always a possibility that your children will learn from your mistakes and be a better person than anyone ever expected. Odds are, doing your best will have the best results, but, in the end, we're all responsible for the people we choose to become.

That goes for you.

That goes for your children.

So, enjoy them, love them, do your best. Believe in them. No one can really expect more than that.

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For Shakespeare: Parenting Guidelines Part 2

Shakespeare asked: How do many parents go wrong in making their children responsible adults (even from a young age), and what specific things can I do as a parent to help my two kids learn to make that transition to adulthood (trust their own opinions, make their own decisions, think of others, admit when they are wrong, learn the value of money, etc.)?

Let me remind you all that I'm not omniscient. Let me add that I'm big on not advocating "the" answers since I don't think there are primers that work for all children, all situations.

However, there are guidelines I try to follow myself because I believe that they will help me raise my children most effectively with the goal to make them the best adults they can be (not make it easier on myself or control them, by the way). But I could not put them in a single post so I'll put them up in pieces. Here's another suggestion, something I try to do myself.

Obedience and responsibility are not interchangeable.

This is a hard one, partially because how you handle a child is as individual as the child herself. I'm not saying you aren't in charge or shouldn't be. Children need limits, need restrictions and need discipline. Judgment isn't the strong suit of the average child and usually this is true far longer than the child has any notion of. It takes judgment, you know, to figure out you have some. Rules are important and you do yourself a favor by being consistent, doing what you say, following through with the consequences when they misbehave, even though that's sometimes challenging. If your kid can walk all over you, you haven't done your part to help them toward adulthood because, in the real world, it's rarely so easy.

But making them easily controlled doesn't exactly make them prime examples of adulthood, either. Children are living, thinking beings, with individual personalities, with preferences and imagination and opinions of their own. Crushing those or manipulating them so they always do things your way, through fear, through guilt, through discipline - you lose something and so do they. Keeping control of your children shouldn't equate with taking all of their control away.

Now, raising children safely with limits and discipline but without crushing spirits or individuality is tough and, often, a thankless task. And the path to doing so is often different for each child. In my eldest daughter's case, it means explaining each and every restriction I give her. This is irksome and tiresome and frustrating. However, if I can get her to understand why I want her to do something a certain way, I don't have to worry about her sneaking off and doing it behind my back. She understands and can (and will) police herself - and be disgusted when her friends fail to be as practical.

It's a lot of work for me that way (and, when my reasoning is not sound, I'm often in a position to back off on a stance I want to take - which is not only frustrating but embarrassing), but, by showing her my reasoning and helping her understand it, I encourage her to use her own reasoning when confronted by things I haven't foreseen. Being able to use her own brain is a heck of a boon in an adult or a teenager and my challenges are a small price to pay if that's where the effort leads us. The jury's still out, there, but it looks promising. Mostly.

With my son, five, who is somewhat autistic, reasoning is a complete waste of time. Instead, I have to manage to find a way to convince him what I want is in his best interest, which makes reasoning with my daughter look childishly simple relatively.

Two last bits I want to add on this. Don't think you can (or should) keep them from learning everything the hard way. Truth is, if children don't ever learn anything the hard way, they never appreciate the fact that sometimes you actually know what you're talking about. And their ain't any lessons more effective than experience. Chances are, although there are some lessons you'd give your soul to keep them from learning the hard way, there will be some they just won't learn any other way. Think back; I bet that was true for you, too. Accepting this, no matter how hard, might be a good plan.

Last bit here, and this is a personal vow for me. I personally never use affection as a reward or withhold it as a punishment. Privileges and, yes, punishments, I'll dole out according to the circumstances, but my son has never been so bad he can't get a hug and my daughter has never been so irksome that I tell her I don't love her any more, even when the temptation is strong. I truly believe that love is unconditional and I make sure they know mine doesn't have a price tag.

Just what I think.

Not sure if I have more to say on this subject. I'll think about it and let you all know tomorrow if any other wisdom comes to mind.

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For Shakespeare: Parenting Guidelines Part 1

Shakespeare asked: How do many parents go wrong in making their children responsible adults (even from a young age), and what specific things can I do as a parent to help my two kids learn to make that transition to adulthood (trust their own opinions, make their own decisions, think of others, admit when they are wrong, learn the value of money, etc.)?

Wow! Tough question. Let me remind you all that I'm not omniscient. Let me add that I'm big on not advocating "the" answers since I don't think there are primers that work for all children, all situations.

However, there are guidelines I try to follow myself because I believe that they will help me raise my children most effectively with the goal to make them the best adults they can be (not make it easier on myself or control them, by the way). But I could not put them in a single post so I'll put them up in pieces.

First and foremost: Be the sort of adult you want your children to become
Of course, this seems obvious and it is but it's not as easy as it seems. It means more than telling them what to do, it means living in a way that is true to your words.

What does that mean? That means that the rules apply to you. That means that you pick up after yourself (and I mean both parents, not one picking up after the other). That means you handle drugs and vices in a manner that you would like to see them follow. If you think smoking is a bad habit you don't want them to take up - stop smoking. Don't drink and drive. Use your seatbelt. Follow the laws. That means you play fair and treat people with respect. That means you admit when you've made a mistake, apologize, make amends. That means you are polite, use please and thank you. If that's what you want your children to be.

That means you refrain from saying unkind things to them, about them about others, even when you're angry. That means you speak of others in a respectful and considerate way, rather than demeaning or belittling groups or individuals, not just when you know your children are listening, but all the time. That means you make an effort to be consistent, be fair, be understanding with your children, with others, with yourself.

That means you listen to your children. They are, after all, people and individuals. You can't understand where they're coming from if you don't listen to what they have to say. And, they will not listen to you either. Nor will they listen to others. You can't tell your children to be sensitive to the needs of others; you'll have to show them or the lesson will be meaningless.

But it also means taking the time for yourself, treating yourself with respect. If you stay with an abusive partner, they will take the wrong lesson. If you ignore your own wants, refrain from pursuing your own dreams, let fears and responsibilities keep you from meeting your own needs, they can learn the same. If you want more for your children, want more for their future, you're going to have to show them that following your dreams is worth the effort, that everyone deserves the chance to pursue them. Even you.

Being a good parent is more than hoping for more for your children. It's living it.

At least, that's what I think.

To be continued...

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For Aron: Forgoing Children Part Two

Aron said and asked: For full disclosure, I support the childfree movement. Also, i'm only speaking from my experiences in my high school, this might not be a national trend. What do you think?

I think that's a far more complex question than it looks like, for one thing. Bear in mind, also, this is all my opinion and not a condemnation or advocation of any personal choice. There's kind of two aspects of it:

• What's going on in the world
• What one wants to do individually

In part one, I opined that, though I thought the childfree movement, i.e. educated individuals forgoing children, would have a negligible effect on world population, I thought the education that accompanied that movement, tied with efforts to increase/retain natural resources and enhance conservation would be a good thing.

But now I'm addressing the second part which I define as "What do you think about me forgoing children personally?" Short answer: I think everyone is entitled to forgo children guilt-free. And, although I have three children of my own and I wouldn't change being a parent for anything, I'd encourage anyone anxious to have children to think about it long and hard.

Why? For the good of the world?

No. Because you shouldn't gamble with children.

Children are work. They are frustrating, heart-breaking, tiring, financially and mentally draining. Having children cramps your style, trashes your schedule, completely rearranges your priorities.

So, why does anyone have them? Because being a parent, a good parent, is the most rewarding, fulfilling, wonderful job in the world. Everything I said before is true, too. It's as frustrating and challenging as I said. It's just worth it. If you don't have children, that likely doesn't make any sense. If you do have children, I didn't need to explain it.

But being a parent isn't for everyone and, unlike many jobs, if you screw it up, you aren't the only one paying for it. There are dozens of good reasons not to have children: you have a genetic disorder you don't want to pass, you have an all-encompassing career, you genuinely don't like children, you don't want to add to the population on principle. All are fine reasons and there are many more. No one, absolutely no one, should have children if it's not what they want to do, if they aren't completely committed to the idea. Being a parent is not something one should do part time or halfway. You shouldn't have children to carry on your name, to get a tax deduction (believe me they're more expensive than a tax deduction could ever justify), to get more from welfare, to make your mom happy, to make your spouse happy, to convince a boyfriend to marry you, to save your marriage (ha!) because you think children will love and admire you (haha!) or because you think having babies would be fun (it IS fun, but it's also a buttload of hard work).

Being a parent is a lifelong commitment to another person, to love them unconditionally and forever and, if you're not willing to do it 100%, you shouldn't. But, if you do want children, you have educated yourself on the responsibility and you have the heart to give it your all, then I don't see any reason not to have children. I would, for the sake of some lonely, orphaned, misused or neglected children, consider adoption before I considered fertility treatments, but that is a matter of principle.

One more thing. I would say not to decide absolutely today. When you're young, the world can look awfully black and white. Go out there, live a little, find out what makes you happy and what gives you fulfillment. Your thoughts on what you want might change drastically with age and seasoning. And, if it makes you feel better, I would give the same advice to someone your age who wanted a family right away.

Take care. And remember, it's just my opinion.

By the way, what do you think of my new template? Pretty slick, isn't it? Thanks, LadyJava!

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