Showing posts with label having children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label having children. Show all posts

I'm Thankful...

>> Friday, June 5, 2009


So, what to do with this blog when I run out of questions? I've been thinking. (It's what I do, sorry).

There a gillions [technical term] of blogs where people rant and vent. Nothing wrong with that and I'll likely do that once in a while, but it's more likely to be on Rocket Scientist rather than here. Instead, I thought I'd write a blog about something I'm grateful for. I mean, not only is extended self-pity obnoxious to be around, it's also self-perpetuating and, let's face it, there is always someone who has it worse. And I have a lot to be thankful for. For instance, my children.

I'm not talking about the fact that they're beautiful and talented and charming, though that's nice, too. I'm grateful because they are healthy and (mostly) happy [not Roxy at the moment because we just put her to bed, but usually].

My eldest is fourteen, sharp as a tack, up to her eyeballs in contrariness and gorgeous. She can draw, paint, sing, anything, really, she wants. Her first year was challenging. She had ear infections (never quite bad enough for tubes), pneumonia twice, once had one of my hairs caught around a toe so bad it turned purple and a tendency toward allergies. But she was speaking and talking by the end of the year. When she was five, she got shingles. (I've had them twice myself - Native American genes). But, you know, she's still mostly healthy. I've never had to deal with severe mental disorders or extended hospital stays. She's never broken a bone or contracted anything that wasn't minor, just a few stitches on one occasion.

My youngest daughter is fifteen months and has hardly had a cold. She's happy, alert, ahead of the game vocabulary- and coordination-wise. She's got a definite personality, has had an ear infection or any other signs of problems. And she's so sweet and smart.

Alex is five. He doesn't talk. He doesn't draw. He won't sit still for story books or do anything on command. He is cute and was and is one of the happiest healthiest children I've ever known. He is low maintenance preferring to eat finger foods you leave with him and let him eat alone. He has a heckuva a career ahead of him in demolition because, let me tell you, that boy is gifted. He isn't always easy to work with and, believe me, there were many dark days in the four years eleven months and two weeks where he refused to be potty trained. But, when he decided to do it, it was done instantly. And that's the thing. They have him classified in the "autistic spectrum" but the differences are as pointed as the similarities. He loves being hugged. He'll look you in your eyes. He has NO trouble reading or expressing emotion. He has the most gorgeous dimples ever (see picture). He'll shop all day happily (he loves it). Ditto for swimming or playing outside. He loves to go. Many of the things he's graded low on in his pre-school he can do just fine - he just won't do it when someone tells him to. I still think that may be part of the talking, too.

I don't know what the future holds, not for Alex, not for my girls. No one does.

But I wouldn't trade any of them for the most perfect responsive exceptional children in the world. They're perfect for me. I love them just the way they are and actually can wait to see what they become because I'm not in a rush to lose what I have now.

I'm lucky to have them in my life. And very very grateful.

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For Aron: Forgoing Children Part Two

>> Saturday, April 18, 2009


Aron said and asked: For full disclosure, I support the childfree movement. Also, i'm only speaking from my experiences in my high school, this might not be a national trend. What do you think?

I think that's a far more complex question than it looks like, for one thing. Bear in mind, also, this is all my opinion and not a condemnation or advocation of any personal choice. There's kind of two aspects of it:

  • What's going on in the world
  • What one wants to do individually
In part one, I opined that, though I thought the childfree movement, i.e. educated individuals forgoing children, would have a negligible effect on world population, I thought the education that accompanied that movement, tied with efforts to increase/retain natural resources and enhance conservation would be a good thing.

But now I'm addressing the second part which I define as "What do you think about me forgoing children personally?" Short answer: I think everyone is entitled to forgo children guilt-free. And, although I have three children of my own and I wouldn't change being a parent for anything, I'd encourage anyone anxious to have children to think about it long and hard.

Why? For the good of the world?

No. Because you shouldn't gamble with children.

Children are work. They are frustrating, heart-breaking, tiring, financially and mentally draining. Having children cramps your style, trashes your schedule, completely rearranges your priorities.

So, why does anyone have them? Because being a parent, a good parent, is the most rewarding, fulfilling, wonderful job in the world. Everything I said before is true, too. It's as frustrating and challenging as I said. It's just worth it. If you don't have children, that likely doesn't make any sense. If you do have children, I didn't need to explain it.

But being a parent isn't for everyone and, unlike many jobs, if you screw it up, you aren't the only one paying for it. There are dozens of good reasons not to have children: you have a genetic disorder you don't want to pass, you have an all-encompassing career, you genuinely don't like children, you don't want to add to the population on principle. All are fine reasons and there are many more. No one, absolutely no one, should have children if it's not what they want to do, if they aren't completely committed to the idea. Being a parent is not something one should do part time or halfway. You shouldn't have children to carry on your name, to get a tax deduction (believe me they're more expensive than a tax deduction could ever justify), to get more from welfare, to make your mom happy, to make your spouse happy, to convince a boyfriend to marry you, to save your marriage (ha!) because you think children will love and admire you (haha!) or because you think having babies would be fun (it IS fun, but it's also a buttload of hard work).

Being a parent is a lifelong commitment to another person, to love them unconditionally and forever and, if you're not willing to do it 100%, you shouldn't. But, if you do want children, you have educated yourself on the responsibility and you have the heart to give it your all, then I don't see any reason not to have children. I would, for the sake of some lonely, orphaned, misused or neglected children, consider adoption before I considered fertility treatments, but that is a matter of principle.

One more thing. I would say not to decide absolutely today. When you're young, the world can look awfully black and white. Go out there, live a little, find out what makes you happy and what gives you fulfillment. Your thoughts on what you want might change drastically with age and seasoning. And, if it makes you feel better, I would give the same advice to someone your age who wanted a family right away.

Take care. And remember, it's just my opinion.

By the way, what do you think of my new template? Pretty slick, isn't it? Thanks, LadyJava!

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