For Anonymous:What A Friend Is Not

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Anonymous asked: At the completion of your hiatus, can you tell us what a true friend is NOT?

Well, I can tell you what I wouldn't want to be as a friend, what kind of features I don't associate with friendship, but, since I'm not omniscient, I can only give you my opinion. But, I'm usually willing and able to provide an opinion.

To think of what a friend is NOT, in my opinion, one really starts with what a friend is and look for it's opposite. So, here is my take on what a friend is NOT.

Judgmental: A friend should someone who accepts you as you are, rather than as you ought to be. Whether you both are alike as two adjacent peas or polar opposites, a friend should be someone who isn't driven to make you into someone else who knows who you really are and likes who you really are. Otherwise, that person isn't much of a friend.

Dishonest: I'm not talking the occasional fib ("No, no, I was done with that slice of pizza. Really."), but who will tell you the truth when it matters or when asked. Always. Even if it hurts. Whether it's "I would not serve that lemon cake to your mother-in-law. Let's hit the store," "You have a real problem and I'm worried about you," to even, "I wanted to like your novel, and I really tried to. Unfortunately, I couldn't. It sucked." A good friend can give it to you straight without judging, without loving you less. If they have to pussyfoot around you, one of you isn't a good friend.

Impatient: Often a big part of friendship is being there for someone else. Sometimes, even your bestest friend can be wearying or need more than you can readily give. You're entitled to ask for room, or rest or space, but it should be done with compassion before you've reached the end of your rope so it can be done without angst. And, because you are honest with friends and emotionally entangled, that means that you might very well be dealing with angst yourself once in a while. Patience is how you survive it with a friendship intact.

Self-absorbed: A big part of being a friend is listening, sympathizing, understanding how the other person feels. You can't do that if you're focus is all around you. A friend is more than someone who's there for you; it's someone you are there for, too.

Untrustworthy: A good part of friendship is mutual respect. Friends respect each other's boundaries, secrets, personalities and intentions. They give the benefit of the doubt and their worthy of receiving it.

And, just from the way you worded your question, it reminded me of this last one.

Undemanding: One thing people routinely forget. Friends don't owe friends anything. If your friend does something for you, it should have been because they chose to. Ditto for you doing something for your friend. There should be no price tags, no owesies, no obligation. Friendship is a voluntary thing. Anyone who thinks their friend owes them something, well, I think they don't quite get friendship.

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For Anonymous: Labor Relations

Anonymous said: And I hired a group of workers paid them in full tried to help them but because of the economy and other issues I had to pay them less. I gave them notice and they are still not happy. They say nasty things about me the hurt my business and worst part it is not true. Any ideas?

Well, let me start with the disclaimer that I've never owned my own business or had employees. Any advice I'd give specific to that would be speculative. But, for all I don't know about that, I do know what it's like to fight a reputation.

First, I have to say, although I know the economy is tough, I can sympathize with your workers to an extent. The circumstances may have been beyond your control, but it was likely beyond their control as well. If they performed their services as agreed, I can understand being disappointed to receive less than expected or be laid off. Losing one's job makes one feel disjointed, unappreciated, and can mean real financial hardship, even ruin. That's tough for anyone and it's hard to be objective when that happens. I don't know the circumstances and I'm not judging - just explaining that they have a side in all this and, whether you could help it or not, it's hard not to feel sorry for people who were promised something and didn't get it.

But I do know about making commitments that, despite your best efforts, you couldn't meet. I once had to declare bankruptcy and it was the hardest thing I think I've ever done. It was necessary, likely unavoidable, but I still haven't quite forgiven myself for it. You can't pay money you don't have. In trying not to fire people, you can go too far, as this article about Japan demonstrates.

So, despite your best efforts, there are disgruntled ex-employees saying disgruntled things and ruining your business. What can you do?

Not much, I think. If they say demonstrably untrue things, one could sue them, but I think that would not only be a huge hassle with no returns, but you'd advertise those same lies much more than they are likely to be spread by the employees alone. It's almost like legitimizing the lies.

But it limits your options.

The best advice I can give you:

• Do an honorable business.
• Make every effort you can to make your remaining employees happy.
  
• Be careful to make only commitments you are confident you can meet.

I'm a firm believer that, if you remain honest and true, even the worst lies will eventually lose their power. That doesn't mean it will be easy, that it won't be painful, that you won't have any long term effects from the stories.

But, if you are patient and consistent, hopefully your clients will realize that you do a good business and they'll either recognize the lies for lies or will consider those stories sour grapes.

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