>> Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Shakespeare asked: I have another question, for I have realized through your posts that it isn't my kids I am struggling with, but myself. Here it is, Tarot Queen: I am stressed beyond measure, yet what is going on in my life should NOT be stressing me out, should not be making me this testy. It simply isn't logical. Is something else going on? If so, what is it?
Well, let's see what the cards tell me.
First, the past. VII The Chariot - This card speaks of female passivity, but also achieving a goal through self-discipline, through tests and trials. I get the distinct impression this is indicative of your Ph.D. achievement.
Now, the past. King of Swords - This card is ambitious, clever, capable, but it also calls for judgment. In this case, and I know you, this is a part of you that is disappointed that you haven't achieved more. Not that you're not proud of the work you did caring for your children or even that you regret doing so, but you question your achievement even there and want to see some sort of concrete indication that your sacrifices (and they were) were worthwhile. Meanwhile, other ambitions, dreams intentions are left undone and all you can see is the "mountain" of what you haven't done dwarfing (in your eyes) what you've accomplished.
And the immediate future. Cups IV - disappointment, unexpected resentment, distraction, lethargy, stagnation. I don't think I need to explain it.
Here's what I'm seeing, darling. You've done the work and made the sacrifices to get your Ph.D. You've been working on your writing craft whenever you could, but much of that, both the Ph.D. and the writing have been sidetracked. You haven't done what you'd hoped to do while helping raise your children. You thought you could get published or do more work remotely. Instead, the needs of your children and your household and everything else have sidetracked your career.
And you want a career. You see others raising children while working or others doing some of the things you've always intended to do, you see yourself as lacking, as failing in what you thought you could do. More dangerously, you might start resenting your husband or your children if you don't start concentrating on your career.
And, yeah, that might mean someone else is working on the house (get a service) or someone else watches the kids in the afternoon. You can't keep putting your career on the back burner because what you aren't doing is eating away at you. You've seen it coming. Your patience has lasted a long time.
But, Shakespeare, it looks like it's over.