For Anonymous:What A Friend Is Not

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Anonymous asked: At the completion of your hiatus, can you tell us what a true friend is NOT?

Well, I can tell you what I wouldn't want to be as a friend, what kind of features I don't associate with friendship, but, since I'm not omniscient, I can only give you my opinion. But, I'm usually willing and able to provide an opinion.

To think of what a friend is NOT, in my opinion, one really starts with what a friend is and look for it's opposite. So, here is my take on what a friend is NOT.

Judgmental: A friend should someone who accepts you as you are, rather than as you ought to be. Whether you both are alike as two adjacent peas or polar opposites, a friend should be someone who isn't driven to make you into someone else who knows who you really are and likes who you really are. Otherwise, that person isn't much of a friend.

Dishonest: I'm not talking the occasional fib ("No, no, I was done with that slice of pizza. Really."), but who will tell you the truth when it matters or when asked. Always. Even if it hurts. Whether it's "I would not serve that lemon cake to your mother-in-law. Let's hit the store," "You have a real problem and I'm worried about you," to even, "I wanted to like your novel, and I really tried to. Unfortunately, I couldn't. It sucked." A good friend can give it to you straight without judging, without loving you less. If they have to pussyfoot around you, one of you isn't a good friend.

Impatient: Often a big part of friendship is being there for someone else. Sometimes, even your bestest friend can be wearying or need more than you can readily give. You're entitled to ask for room, or rest or space, but it should be done with compassion before you've reached the end of your rope so it can be done without angst. And, because you are honest with friends and emotionally entangled, that means that you might very well be dealing with angst yourself once in a while. Patience is how you survive it with a friendship intact.

Self-absorbed: A big part of being a friend is listening, sympathizing, understanding how the other person feels. You can't do that if you're focus is all around you. A friend is more than someone who's there for you; it's someone you are there for, too.

Untrustworthy: A good part of friendship is mutual respect. Friends respect each other's boundaries, secrets, personalities and intentions. They give the benefit of the doubt and their worthy of receiving it.

And, just from the way you worded your question, it reminded me of this last one.

Undemanding: One thing people routinely forget. Friends don't owe friends anything. If your friend does something for you, it should have been because they chose to. Ditto for you doing something for your friend. There should be no price tags, no owesies, no obligation. Friendship is a voluntary thing. Anyone who thinks their friend owes them something, well, I think they don't quite get friendship.

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For AJ: What About My Friendship

AJ asked: What does the cards have to say about our friendship, will it grow into relationship in time?

Sorry, I've been out with the flu, so I'm behind. Bear with me. I am working on my Tarot Queen novel, so there's at least that. OK, AJ, I'm assuming it's a friendship with someone else, but here goes.

Past - Cups II (reversed) - In the reversed position, this card speaks of disappointment, short-lived relationships and foolishness. I don't know if this refers to your current relationship or an indication of many in the past.

Present - Queen of Pentacles (Coins) (Reversed) - not an auspicious card for present relationships. This card, in the reversed position, involves being critical, nagging, vindictive, capricious, extravagant and difficult to deal with.

Future - Wands III (reversed) - cold, self-centered and and stubborn.

All the cards were in the reversed position and I'll tell you honestly that I'm a little concerned that my recent flu might have affected this reading. If the present and past seem applicable, I'd say the cards don't look favorable for a healthy future relationship. If, however, the past and present seem completely skewed from your understanding, I urge you to assume it was skewed. Let me know, and I'll try again when I'm more recovered.

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For Aron: The Stigma of Unusual Religion

Aron asked: By definition, I am an Eclectic Spiritual, I use a combination of Christianity and Buddhism and other things as my religion. But, I have found the Eclectic Spiritualism has a strong association with Paganism. Would calling myself an Eclectic Spiritual give me a bad reputation.

This is not a topic I'm particularly objective about, largely because you could define me as an Eclectic Spiritual myself.

There's a quote I have by Dr. Seuss: "Be who you are, say what you think, people that matter don't care, and people that care don't matter."

That pretty much sums up how I've always felt about it. I don't go about telling people my religion as a general rule, but I don't have a problem acknowledging it because I don't particularly care about being popular. I'm only interested in real friends, not anyone who'd hang around with me because I was (or wasn't) a particularly label. If someone can't accept who I really am (and that can certainly include what I believe), they likely aren't the friend for me. I'm actually pretty impressed. There's a lot more openmindedness and tolerance out there for people who think and believe in an out of the ordinary way than you might think given the nonsense on the news. My beliefs have never cost me a friendship I missed.

But there's the opposite side of the coin as well - remembering that the label doesn't make the person and not judging people by what they believe. I like to decide how I feel about people by getting to know them. If you do the same, you can be assured that the friendship you make mean something and will be more treasured than gold.

Another option you have is, of course, keeping your beliefs to yourself. Not everyone is comfortable speaking of their personal beliefs or being in a position to defend them. I don't see why anyone doesn't have the option to keep his beliefs private, so that's another path to take.

Despite my odd ways of looking at religion, I don't think I ever missed any opportunities because of them, if that's what you're worried about. It's a slow and painful process, but I have hopes that the world is growing up.

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