For Davida: Do Something For You

Davida asked: Ok. Danny and I have read your view on my needing time “off” and agree that it better be sooner rather than later. So, now he keeps asking me what I want to do. I haven’t a clue. He’s trying to help me get away and I have no idea what I want to do or where I want to go that won’t be too costly. If $$ were no object, I’d be gone this afternoon. Any suggestions?

I can make suggestions for things to do for a few hours or a day, things I enjoy, like perhaps a spa day or going to a play with friends, but I’m not a vacation person personally. I take my time in small doses. That doesn’t, by the way, mean there’s anything wrong with getting a bigger chunk.

In this, I’m limited to the way my imagination works. I, for instance, might spend a couple of days in Galveston or Corpus Christy. In Galveston, I’d see if there was a bed and breakfast in good repair (per Ike) and I’d go exploring other older buildings and sites in Galveston. At Corpus, of course, it’s all about the beach. Or, for relatively little money (~$250-400, which isn’t much more than a couple of nights in a good motel), I’d see if I could find a quick 2-3 day cruise. A lot of time, they have last minute cancellations so you can get good deals at the last minute. Or you could go to San Antonio for a couple of days, check out the river walk and Sea World. But those are the kind of things that might appeal to me. Or, if I had a family member that lived within long driving distance (or a reasonable flying distance), I might go visit a sister or a cousin, an aunt or a good college friend I don’t often see.

But examples or suggestions are really dependent on who you are and those reflect who I am. I suspect that this time to yourself is about finding Davida again, reaffirming your Davida-ness. I can’t tell you who that is or the best way to find her.

But you can do so by asking yourself a few questions like, what did you used to do to unwind before you got married. I’m not talking about dating, but things you might go do with a good girlfriend or on a long weekend during in college. Maybe there was someone you were close to, in the sort of way you loved who you were when you were with that person, that you could visit. In the end, think about the person you were before you married, or the sort of thing you did before you had children when your husband did his thing and you did yours. That’s where I’d focus my attention.

(Lee, by the way, likes to camp).

I hope that helps.

1. # shakespeareon 05 Apr 2009 at 9:35 am edit this

   It may be, Davida, that you need time alone, too. If you want to go with somebody else, that would save half the expense of a hotel, and you could pack food so that you don’t spend more money on that than normal.

   My favorite “vacation” is a day of writing at a local coffee shop (we have quite a few of those in Seattle!)… so, for the cost of a lunch somewhere and a few coffees, I can write all day, watch people as they come in, write some more, and totally relax.

   It’s really about finding what feeds your own soul. If it’s movies, buy tickets to a film, then to another, then another, and spend the whole day at the theatre. You can splurge on the big popcorn and drink, since you get free refills with them, and otherwise, have a great time for not that much money. Renting movies for a day can also work, if you can get a room to yourself. Some kiosks rent movies for 24 hours for a buck per movie (VERY cheap!).

   Hope you find something. It’s hard to know what you want when it’s been years since you thought of yourself (I know from experience). Then again, that’s an adventure in itself.

2. # Judy Milleron 05 Apr 2009 at 3:06 pm edit this

   I would spend my time at the beach and I wouldn’t do anything hectic like a cruise or driving all day–I would sleep late, walk the beach, wait for high tide and walk the beach some more, or just sit on the beach and listen to the ocean. It always takes away all my stress.

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For Davida: Time For Yourself

Davida told me: I told my husband that I wanted to be away for a weekend. I just wanted to run away. I didn’t want to be around him or my daughter. I LOVE THEM BOTH MORE THAN ANYTHING… I just wanted to be by myself. Honestly, a few times I thought I may not return. He basically said H-no! I could go away for a few hours, but a weekend was out of the question. I now see his point. I wonder if something’s wrong with me. The house is clean, breakfast/lunch/dinner are always ready, my business affairs are in order, my physical appearance is well-kept and so is my daughter’s, I take good care of her and him–is it normal to want to leave them both??? Normal or not, what should I do about it? I have a good life. What’s wrong with me?!

Nothing is wrong with you, darling. You have a need and you’re expressing it, addressing it now as you need it. I think that’s terribly healthy. There are a few things that just might not strike your husband, or you, for that matter. Whereas men traditionally think of themselves as associated with a profession, women often think of themselves as their roles: wife, mother, caretaker, housekeeper, etc. If they work as well, it’s just one more role to carry. Unlike a job, however, those things don’t have a time limit. You don’t punch a clock and say, “Whew, that’s over. I don’t have to worry about being a mother again until Monday.”

It can and does happen to dads and husbands, too, but, in general, I think they are less prone to it. Historically, women have tended to set their own needs aside in favor of their roles, becoming part of their husband’s family and giving up a piece of themselves, as symbolized by taking on the husband’s name. That’s a generalization, of course, but I don’t think it’s pretty common.

The thing is, it’s hard to be on duty, 24/7, even if you love your family, your child, your husband, your life. When you’re juggling all of your priorities, it’s easy, if you let one ball drop, to let that be yourself. The more caring and giving a person you are, the more likely you are to lose sight of your own needs. And the more you need to push yourself to take care of them.

My aunt Sue takes care of my bedridden grandmother, has been taking care of her for decades, helping other family members, being the rock a number of us depend on, working full time and taking great baby pictures. Last week, she took off for a week to Hawaii and it was the best damn thing she’s done in years. Not because she doesn’t love my grandmother any more, but because she’s entitled to a little preoccupation with herself, a little Sue time. It’s not wrong. It’s healthy. And not only will she benefit by it, so will my grandmother because Sue will be happier and will be there because she wants to be, not because she has to be.

My sister, similar situation to your own. I nag her to take time for herself because she needs it, not just for her own happiness, but because it’s better for her family if she’s healthy. Never taking the time for yourself just isn’t healthy.

My husband is a stay at home dad. When I’m home, I’m on duty, but he’s the one here 24/7. When he says he needs to get away, I listen and do what I can to help him. If he’s unhappy, if he feels that the life he leads is an obligation not his pleasure, he won’t be much fun for the kids or himself. And he’s entitled to that time off, that time when he’s well and truly off the clock. Truth is, when he leaves, he never wants to stay away as long as he thinks he does. He usually can’t wait to get back or comes back early, but then it’s his choice, not his duty. And that makes all the difference.

What I’m saying, as your sympathetic friend is, that there’s nothing wrong with you, that wanting to have some time being just Davida and not everything else you carry around with you all day every day isn’t wrong or naughty nor does it mean that you don’t love your husband, your daughter, or your life. It just means that you don’t want to lose that little bit of yourself that is just yours, that you need a little time to recharge and remember all those other things you are besides a wife and mother. When you come back, you’ll do so because being away reminded you of all the reasons why you’re there in the first place, but also remind you of that little spark of Davida that made you so appealing to them as well.

In order to do your best day in and day out, you need to be happy and you need to know your needs are important, too. I hope you can convince your husband to see things your way. In the long run, you’ll both be happier.

And it might not hurt to make sure he gets some time for himself, too.

1. # attygnorrison 31 Mar 2009 at 12:44 am edit this

   Thanks, Stephanie. This seems like exactly what I’d tell me homegirl if she called with the same issue. It’s just harder seeing and accepting the situation when you’re in it. I thought about blogging about it, but I know my mother and mother-in-law read the blog and would probably be alarmed. LOL They get so worried. I know you’re right. I need to
   “punch out” on the clock for a little while.

   Davida

2. # attygnorrison 31 Mar 2009 at 12:45 am edit this

   BTW, that illustrative picture of the beach is exactly what I had in mind…

   Davida

3. # oldwestmomon 31 Mar 2009 at 1:15 pm edit this

   Once again, a great Ask Me Anything answer. I completely agree.

   For what it’s worth Davida, my hubby and I had the same argument a few weeks ago. I have a hankering to go visit some friends and could really use the break. I was hoping to go alone, just for a long weekend. Hubby took it very offensively, like me wanting to leave was a slight to him. I told him if he wanted to do the same, I would support and encourage him, but it didn’t help. We’re working it out, but sometimes it’s easier to talk to my toddler!

4. # stephanieebarron 31 Mar 2009 at 6:07 pm edit this

   Time to yourself isn’t a luxury - it’s a need.

5. # fliton 31 Mar 2009 at 9:50 pm edit this

   well dang…where did my comment go? I did leave one… must not have gone through from the Blackberry.

   and now I am just perturbed with the recaptcha words! NORDEN… too close to NORDON, y’ask me!

6. # shakespeareon 01 Apr 2009 at 9:02 am edit this

   I might be off for almost a week by myself this summer, to Houston, to see YOU!

   I sure hope that happens. I’ll still be around kids, but they won’t be MY kids…or MY hubby, or MY kitchen.

   Makes a huge difference, if you ask me. No obligations. That’s the only thing that makes a true vacation.

7. # stephanieebarron 01 Apr 2009 at 10:14 am edit this

   I hear you, Shakespeare. I know exactly what you mean.

8. # Aron Soraon 01 Apr 2009 at 11:32 am edit this

   I would say that getting away from your significant other is essential. I remember a podcast I was listening to mention that if you are around each other 24/7 than you experienced the same events and than you might become the same person. People do not like being around of mirror image of themselves.

   Also, you need to get new perspectives, which is gained with leaving your area.

   Nice post

9. # stephanieebarron 01 Apr 2009 at 12:00 pm edit this

   Agreed. I love my kids, but I often breathe a sigh of relief when they go to bed. We all need a little time without obligations or responsibilities or just some time that is ours alone.

10. # Lolaon 01 Apr 2009 at 10:20 pm edit this

    I have given you an award. Please stop by my blog for the details. Congrats!

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